


Remember Me

by thismidnight



Category: The Handmaid's Tale (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Father-Daughter Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2020-01-31 14:00:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18592702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thismidnight/pseuds/thismidnight
Summary: Nick returns to Canada with the Waterfords a few months after Holly makes it out of Gilead and meets up with Luke again.





	Remember Me

 

 

 

> _know that i’m with you_  
>  _the only way that i can be_  
>  _until you’re in my arms again_  
>  _remember me_

 

The bar is different this time.

 

It’s still similar to the one he’d found himself in just under a year ago, though, and one thing Nick had learned from years spent dragging his brother out of them is that no matter how different the locations were, some things never changed. Neon beer signs, cheap furniture, the stink of smoke and sick hanging heavy in the air. It nearly suffocates him tonight as he scans the dimly lit wood paneled room, the sound of some shitty country song playing from a grimy jukebox against the back wall. That was another thing that was always the same - the terrible music. He shifts on his feet, feeling eyes on him -  studying him, judging him. He knows they’re all wondering who the hell came to a bar like this dressed the way he is. Even his most casual Gilead clothes still made him an anomaly.

 

He manages to ignore the stares as his eyes finally land on Luke, sitting against the wall at a high two top table under a neon Coors sign, next to a lively game of billiards. His shoulders are hunched and his eyes are downcast at his hands and the glass of amber colored whiskey between them. His brother was always a whiskey man too. Jack and Coke. He squeezes his eyes shut, inhaling sharply through his nose, willing his mind to push his brother and all of the other people in this bar out of his head. He has to focus. He checks his pocket to make sure what he has for Luke is still inside and with new resolve and as clear of a mind as he can manage, he makes his way back into the bar.

 

Luke’s eyes dart up as Nick slides onto the barstool across the table from him. He doesn’t immediately tell Nick to fuck off, so he feels like they’re already off to a better start than they were before. Instead, Luke’s eyes fall back down on his drink, his fingers drumming on the glass before finally he clears his throat. “Nick, right?”

 

“Yeah,” Nick replies as he nods. He brings his hands to rest on the table, lacing his fingers together. Next to them, cheers erupt from the billiard table and Nick’s eyes look over to catch two men high fiving, bright smiles on their faces. It feels foreign. Nothing is good or happy about this situation.

 

“Well, Nick,” Luke begins, looking up and getting Nick’s attention again, “you got anything that can help send those assholes packing again?”

 

“No,” Nick replies with a single shake of his head and silence hangs heavy between them as Luke stares into the distance, nodding absently. Clearly he’s as lost as Nick is, desperate and needing a lifeline. Finally, Luke takes a deep breath, shaking his head and returning to the moment and conversation at hand, pushing his glasses back up on his nose.

 

“How’s June? Does she know the baby’s going back?”

 

“She’s not going back,” he states with absolute certainty, his eyes locked on Luke. It’s the whole reason they’re on this trip. The Waterfords had been trying for months to get Holly back and it had come to this - they’d only agree to send her back on the condition that Holly was actually Fred’s child, so they’d made the trek back to Toronto for testing. He already knows what the test results will reveal tomorrow and knows his daughter will never spend another second with the Waterfords. If nothing else comes out of this trip, at least he has that small comfort. He purposefully skates past the question about June. She’s fine, but it’s complicated, just like everything in Gilead, and he’d rather not go into the specifics if he can help it.

 

But then Luke looks at him, studying him. He narrows his eyes and really looks and suddenly Nick wishes he could explain everything about June and Mayday and Jezebels and all of it, any of it, because he can see Luke connecting dots in his mind. Nick shifts in his seat and looks down at his hands, hoping maybe he’s wrong but knowing in his heart that he isn’t.  And then, just like he figured, Luke asks the question Nick really didn’t want to have to answer.

 

“You’re her father, aren’t you?”

 

Nick’s mouth falls open to answer as he pulls in a short breath before his jaw clenches shut. He looks off into the distance past Luke, focusing on a faded dartboard as his mind races between the exhilaration of someone finally recognizing him as the father of his daughter and the crushing realization of why exactly that’s something that’s happening _now_ and it paralyzes him with indecision. Does he lie or tell the truth? Selfishly, he wants to be honest. Say yes, she’s mine, she’s my daughter. His chest constricts as he realizes that if he’s completely open and tells the truth, that’ll be the first time he’s said those words out loud. _My daughter._ His stomach turns as he looks away from the dartboard and down at his intertwined fingers, drumming his thumb on the table.

 

But he knows he can’t think about himself and what he wants. He has to think about what’s best for June. For Holly. And as he looks back at Luke, he realizes he has to think about him too, the man taking care of his daughter while he can’t. He debates lying again, deflecting somehow, figuring that’s ultimately what’s best for everyone but himself, but then Luke shakes his head and speaks again before Nick even has the chance to lie. “I saw the way you were looking at her today. You don’t have to lie.”

 

Nick inhales sharply, berating himself. He’d fully expected to be pulled all around Toronto again, used as a pawn in Waterford’s political chess game, but the one thing he hadn’t expected was for Luke to show up to the paternity testing site that morning with Holly strapped to his chest. He’d thought he’d done a better job of wearing his normal mask of indifference but seeing his daughter for the first time in six months, watching her fuss as they’d tried to shove a cotton swab in her mouth - it’d crumbled his defenses. He thought no one had noticed how he’d had to turn away and fake a cough so they couldn’t see the tears starting to form in his eyes or how he’d been unable to tear his gaze away from Holly. Someone had. He looks at Luke, awaiting confirmation of his suspicions. Nick feels himself start to nod as he speaks. “Serena wanted a baby, she knew the Commander was sterile. She wanted to use someone she thought she could trust.”

 

He watches carefully as Luke takes this information in and processes it, one of his hands balling into a fist next to his glass. Nick can see the anger and frustration bubbling under the surface and he braces himself for whatever might come next. But, much to his surprise, Luke’s fist uncurls and grabs his glass. He throws his head back and finishes what’s left of his drink in one shot before letting the glass loudly clatter onto the table.  “Well, at least those bastards aren’t getting her back, right?”

 

Nick nods as he looks at Luke like he’s a bomb that could go off at any moment. Quickly he decides to try and defuse the situation the best way he knows how. He reaches into his breast pocket and pulls out a white envelope - the entire reason he’d decided to seek Luke out tonight.

 

“I have some information about Hannah,” Nick says, holding the envelope out to Luke, an olive branch. I’ve been looking out for yours the best I can, thanks for looking out for mine. He hadn’t brought this information for this purpose, but now he hopes it’s enough to curb any ill feelings Luke might have towards him. Everything about this situation is fucked up, but he desperately needs Luke to know they’re both playing for the same team.

 

Luke looks stunned as he reaches out and takes the envelope from Nick, pulling out the single sheet of paper inside, listing the name Hannah goes by in Gilead, the name of the family she’s with, the coordinates of the summer house where he’d met her with June. Nick knows it’s not much, and he’s not even sure it’ll be useful here in Canada, but he also knows that he’d appreciated any scraps of information that had trickled into Gilead about Holly over the past few months, so he hopes it helps bring Luke some peace, just knowing she’s alive and okay. Some connection, any connection, was better than none and it always helped him. Luke touches the page with two fingers before folding it back up and tucking it away inside his own breast pocket.

 

“Thanks,” Luke says sincerely. “Thank you, man. Means a lot.” He takes a deep breath, considering something before he stands, pulling out his wallet and dropping a ten dollar bill on the table. “You gotta be back anywhere?”

 

Nick shakes his head, confused. He doesn’t have time to wonder why Luke is asking him about his plans, though, because Luke motions towards the door with his head. “Then come with me.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Nick doesn’t ask any questions. He just follows.

 

They pass cars, buses, and even another bar, but Luke never breaks stride or stops for any of it. They walk about four blocks before his pace slows and he reaches into his pocket, bringing out a set of keys and turning towards a brown brick apartment building. Nick freezes as Luke takes a step up towards the building, looking back at Nick. His heart starts to hammer in his chest as he looks up at the windows, many with lights still on. Holly’s in that building, somewhere. She has to be.

 

Nick has to remind himself to breathe, focusing on each breath - in and out, in and out - as they make their way into the building and up the stairs to the third floor and down the brightly lit hallway. Nick taps his left thumb against his right palm as Luke fumbles with his keys in the lock. He feels like he might puke from the anticipation when Luke finally pushes the door open and leads him inside.

 

Baby giggles hit Nick’s ears as soon as they step inside and it’s all he can do to maintain his composure at the sound - he feels like the floor might drop out from underneath him. She’s laughing now. He’d seen how much she’d grown earlier but for some reason the laughter wrecks him even more than how big she’s gotten - what was the first thing that made her laugh? What does she think is funny? What’s she scared of? He doesn’t know. He _should_ know. Luke shuts the door behind them and Nick goes into autopilot as they step into the living room, following him again.

 

Nick’s never met Moira, but he assumes she’s the one sitting on the floor in the middle of the living room on a muted green fleece blanket with Holly surrounded by baby toys - a stuffed frog, a set of oversized plastic keys, a book made out of heavy cardboard. She looks back towards Luke and Nick as they enter and Nick wishes he could pay attention to what they’re saying - he knows they’re talking about him, about June, about the letters - but his focus is solely on the little girl wearing a white sleeper with little yellow ducks printed all over it as Moira stands and scoops her up, balancing her on her hip, making her way over to them.

 

He feels their eyes on him, but he only has eyes for Holly now as he drinks her in - her chubby cheeks, her dark mess of curls, her bright blue eyes that are so alert and studying him. She’s there, _right there_. He almost wants to pinch himself to make sure he isn’t dreaming, part of him is sure he must be. He missed her so much. He loves her so much.

 

When he finally manages to tune back in with Luke and Moira, he suspects Luke has at least explained a little of the situation because Moira looks hard at Nick, giving him a once over. He can’t tell if she fully trusts him and he doesn’t blame her if she doesn’t. “I guess at least she doesn’t have to go back to that hellhole,” Moira breathes out, relieved, and Nick nods. As much as he wants to be close to Holly, he’d never want that for her, ever, and he’s happy they all agree on that point. He returns his gaze to the baby, her eyes now trained on Moira. He can’t believe he’s getting to see her again.

 

He can feel Moira and Luke having a silent conversation between themselves until finally Moira clears her throat and adjusts Holly against her. “Um… You wanna hold her?”

 

Nick’s stunned as he takes in Moira’s words. Does he want to hold her? He’s wanted nothing more than to hold her, to love her, for the last six months. He nods because he knows he’ll never get the words out otherwise, his throat dangerously close to closing in on itself.

 

And then, before he knows it, his daughter is in his arms again for only the second time in her life. She’s so different from the fragile newborn he’d held so many months ago, impossibly tiny in his hands, with June coaching him through it. Now she sits upright against his side, her bottom supported by his left arm, the support she’d needed before no longer necessary. One of her tiny hands comes to rest on his shoulder and the other lands on his chest, right on top of his heart. She doesn’t cry and he takes that as a good sign - as much as it kills him, he knows he’s practically a stranger to her. Instead her blue eyes just stare at him, trying to figure him out, as he desperately tries to memorize everything about her. He releases a shuddery breath as he smiles widely at her.

 

“Hi, sweetheart,” he whispers to her as he shifts her against his side, tilting his head so he can look at her face even better. He can feel the tears welling up in his eyes and he doesn’t even try to stop it, he doesn’t care. “I missed you, Holly,” he whispers again, knowing his voice will be shot otherwise, as he watches Holly carefully, one of her fists curling into his shirt.

 

He clears his throat and finally manages to take his eyes off the baby to look up at Luke and Moira. “Her name is actually Holly,” he tells them, his voice catching, thick with emotion, and he clears his throat to try again. “Nichole is the name the Waterfords picked for her. June wants to name her Holly,” he explains, his voice somehow clearer this time. He hopes he’s not overstepping any boundaries, but he can’t bear for her to go by Nichole anymore. She deserves to go by the name June chose for her - the name _they_ decided she should have, not the Waterfords. She needs to be free of Gilead completely.

 

“Holly it is, then,” Luke says with a nod. “She’s still so little it shouldn’t be too much of an adjustment.” He’s quiet for a minute as he considers something else. “Hey, uh, what’s her birthday? They guessed when she showed up at the refugee center, but they weren’t actually sure.”

 

Nick’s stomach twists as he looks back at Holly, still calm in his arms but watching him carefully. She’s been here months without anyone knowing her birthday. “February 7th,” he states without hesitation, her birthdate as much a part of him now as his own. The day his life changed forever.

 

Luke nods in appreciation, but Nick doesn’t see, he’s caught up in watching Holly again. She’s more comfortable in Nick’s arms now and bored of just looking at him, so one of her curious little hands finds the chain of the necklace he always wears under his shirt. Nick feels himself start to smile as her tiny fingers try to grip it and pull, but her limited dexterity and the collar of his shirt are both working against her. Her little mouth purses up into a pout and Nick’s heart constricts at how much she looks like June as she concentrates on the necklace. She should be here too.

 

“You wanna see my necklace?” Nick asks her as he reaches his hand under his collar and pulls his necklace out. Today he’s wearing his dog tags - they had been his father’s. He also has a necklace his mother had given him when he’d been in high school and he alternates between the two. Between the necklaces and the picture he has of himself and his brother they’re the only links he has to his family, everything else lost to the war and Gilead. He offers the tags to Holly and she takes them between her fingers and studies them carefully before she closes them up in her fist and pulls - hard.

 

Moira steps forward, offering an apology about how she’s pulling on _everything_ now, even hair, and Nick shakes her off, chuckling, completely unbothered and in awe of this tiny little person in his arms. “Do you like them?” He asks her softly as she looks from the tags up at Nick again curiously. He brings his hand up and rubs his thumb gently against her chubby cheek, causing one corner of her mouth to turn up into a smile that he matches before she looks back down at the shiny silver tags still clutched in her hands, fascinated by them. His heart seizes as he watches her, realizing he’s going to have to leave her again soon. How is he supposed to leave her?

 

And then it dawns on him - as he watches her turn the tags over in her fingers - even though he can’t stay he can leave at least a part of him here, with her. Without hesitation, he reaches up and takes the dog tags off over the top of his head, leaving Holly holding the tags, the chain dangling down between them. The tags had been his link to his father and now he wants them to be that for her - a link to him, something so that even if he never finds his way back to her, at least she’ll have a tangible piece of him, the same way he’ll always have a piece of her in his mind and in his heart.

 

“You keep them, okay?” He whispers around the lump in his throat. “Keep them safe for me.” He blinks back tears again as he looks up up at Moira and Luke, both watching him carefully. He knows he has to go, he’s overstaying his welcome, but he’s not sure how he’s going to leave. He takes a deep shuddery breath as he looks back at Holly again. He leans in and presses his lips quickly to the top of her head. “I love you, Holly,” he whispers to her. “So much.” He wants to tell her that he’ll see her again soon, that he’ll get her mom to her, but he can’t bring himself to make a promise he can’t keep. So instead he looks up at Moira and nods once, trying hard to push his emotions down so he can leave. Without words she steps in and takes Holly from him, the dog tags still clenched tight in her chubby little fist.

 

He thanks Luke and Moira quickly, knowing he has to make a quick exit before the dam breaks. With one last look at Holly, he turns and opens the door, doing the hardest thing he’s ever done - walking away and leaving half of his heart behind.

 

 

* * *

 

 

He helps Hannah get out two months later.

 

He convinces Rita to help him get June and another group of handmaids out three months after that.

 

And then it’s a year later when he finally manages to cross the border himself with a small group of Marthas, kids, and handmaids. He’d been chosen to go as the protection, so he hadn’t expected to make it himself but somehow, against all odds - he had.

 

He doesn’t know if it’s early or late when he’s finally done with the processing at the refugee center and he’s exhausted and wired all at the same time. He finds a couch and sits, unsure of what to do with himself now that he can do anything he wants so he looks at his watch. 6:07 AM. It’s early.

 

He knows not more than an hour could have gone by when he hears a familiar voice from the other side of the center. He cranes his head to see, feeling his heart start to soar even though he’s afraid to hope, but he can’t see around a rack of donated clothes so he stands and takes two tentative steps forward to see around the rack when he freezes, two sets of matching blue eyes looking in his direction.

 

The whole world goes into slow motion around him as June rushes towards him, a nearly two year old but barely awake Holly in her arms wearing what looks like pajamas under a mint green puffy coat, messy dark curls poking out from underneath a winter hat with cat ears and whiskers on it. June must have pulled her out of bed and rushed here as soon as she’d heard he was here. She crashes into him, wrapping her free arm around him as he brings both of his arms up to wrap around the two of them as best he can with Holly squished between them. He takes in a shuddery breath as he holds his family for the first time. Everything he’d been through, everything he’d endured, it was all worth it for this.

 

It’s only Holly fussing between them, cranky and squished, that finally causes them to pull apart, June laughing as she pulls back, wiping a stray tear off her cheek as she apologizes to Holly, now scowling in her mother’s arms. Nick smiles as he looks at her, trying not to let sadness over how much of her life he’s missed engulf him. She’s happy and healthy and safe and that’s what matters.

 

“Hi, Holly,” Nick says to her and she looks at him for a long second before she turns and buries her face in June’s neck and he feels something in his heart pull. He hadn’t expected her to know or recognize him, but still - it stings that she doesn’t.

 

June gives him an apologetic look as she bounces Holly against her. “Holly,” she says gently, waiting patiently for her to raise her little head and look at her. “That’s your daddy, remember?” June asks her with a smile before looking over at Nick, her eyes asking him to be patient. He’ll give her all the time in the world that she needs. They have it now.

 

“Daddy necklace,” Holly finally says in her tiny toddler voice, smiling proudly, as she pats June’s chest, right over her heart, and that’s when Nick notices.

 

The silver chain that used to hang around his neck now hangs on June’s, and he catches the smallest glimpse of it peeking out from underneath her collar. They’d kept his necklace and used it the same way he had with his own father - as a way to hold on, to remember, to keep him close. He feels the tears sting in his eyes, his face crumbling as June steps up to him again, putting one hand on his cheek.

 

“We’ve talked about you every night,” June whispers as he looks right at her, getting lost in her gaze, letting it ground him in the moment. He’s so in love with the two of them it nearly takes his breath away. “Every night.”  
  
  
  
He looks at Holly, now staring at him, blinking curiously. He smiles at her, and feels his heart leap as he earns a bashful little smile in return.

 

They hadn't forgotten him.

**Author's Note:**

> many thanks to dcgal814 for being my cheerleader and always talking me through any issues i have with my writing and helping me troubleshoot any problematic parts <3333
> 
> as always, find me on tumblr as splitscreen and let me know what you think!


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